9 months in North Carolina

It's been 9 months that I have been in North Carolina, and I truly want to have many positive things to say. I don't believe anyone reads these posts, so I believe I can write this...if there are a few...that's cool too.

Wanting to move to NC, I believe had a lot to do with the fact that I might have a good group of friends, and for the large part, there are some good dudes here. What I thought was going to occur with friend here in NC, didn't end up that way. I had in my mind an idea, a hope, of the way things could be, but the person didn't turn out like I thought. I took a big hit in the self-esteem, and a solid smack in the face due to the reality of the situation. For the most part, I regret moving here, and surely wished I didn't. I wished I didn't bring my family here.

My oldest daughter seems to like it simply because she met some people that appear to like her. One of my sons here with me, struggles to make friends, and just wants to sit on video games, and LITERALLY bases his esteem on how people see his skill of this game. Ludicrous! My youngest doesn't know any different. I am struggling with the amount of people, the constant traffic no matter the time of day. I do like my job and the people in it. Perhaps I'm just one of those people who aren't happy no matter the situation, but there is just an onslaught of concern, confusion, disappointment, that hammers me all through everyday. The days fly by with nothing accomplished, kids on electronics, myself and my wife usually doing the same thing. Sure we all want to change that, but few succeed.

Without going into detail, I have worked and worked on myself, and feel like i'm going nowhere, I don't know how to continue, I don't have much reason to, outside of the cliché reasons. Life HAS to be better than this, more than this. If we are each responsible for our own lives, then I may be in trouble. If people place money on stocks based in large part on company history, then I shouldn't place much a bet on myself. My other 2 boys are far from me, and I haven't seen them in 9 months, it will be 10 by the time I do see them. That is awful, and i'm sure feeling it. It's hard to find the silver lining. The friendship that I thought was going to work out didn't, it was honestly my fault for building that up in my mind. Debt...I don't need to say any more....Kids...don't know what to do to help them, they are at the age where my words are about as valuable as a used piece of toilet paper. Their struggles, I can't fix, I just watch the suffering...they have...and perhaps I have added to that for them. I'm not who I want to be, I'm not where I want to be, and I don't have the friends I thought I'd have at the level I thought i'd have them, and I'm not doing what I thought I would do....failing. Hurting...truth...transparent truth....