Fear of the outdoors?

One thing I really, extremely hate; the fear of the outdoors. Since I was raised a "city boy", I never had the opportunity to go outdoors much. My father, nor my step-father, were much of outdoorsmen themselves. I didn't go out and experience nature, the water, animals, etc, with a father figure.

It's important that I mention that I'm not blaming them, it's just something I get to undertake on my own, and then try to pass down to my children so that they don't have an unacceptable fear of the outdoors, particularly the wild. In my day there was the beginning of the game system explosion, like Nintendo, etc. Where am I going with this banter? I'm talking about a hatred for the the fear that crops up every time I think about Kayaking a river, whether I've been on it before or not. It's ridiculous, and embarrassing to share. I don't however, think I am the only one. I think this results in not taking as many trips as I could because I have to wrestle with myself, and push myself to go. I sure hope this subsides once I get more experience, because it is debilitating to say the least. When I get out there I enjoy it, until the dark comes.

The last trip I took, I was a inexcusable mess when the pitch black took over. When I started hearing the noises that I was not familiar with, and when I realized I was in the middle of nowhere with no escape, I felt choked, and vulnerable...extremely vulnerable. It was a terrible feeling, and truth be told, if I had an "out" at that time, I would have left. I hate even thinking about it. Once I got into the hammock, and put in my earplugs, everything seemed better, and more tolerable. I did make it to morning, and everything was good again. I can't help but to think that if I had grown up having done more camping etc, the fear wouldn't be so strong. I don't know how to overcome this fear, except to just continue to experience it. I want to do some solo camping, but I don't know that I'm ready for that just yet. This is something that has to be done right, or I can see myself abandoning it, just to dodge the feeling of anxiety that can choke me up. It's not just the dark, it's the unknown. I don't know what it is like to swamp a yak, or flip it in the middle of a river that has some good movement to it. I haven't had the chance to practice recovering my yak, or getting back into it. The water has been around 40 degrees since I've started kayaking, and I don't plan on spending a lot of time in it. I wouldn't be able to focus. I remember passing trees downed in the water, and just seeing them submerged gave me anxiety. After having the anxiety came the anger and depression for feeling that way. It sucks, but I am optimistic that it will get better. In fact, having the anger afterwards help push me to do what I'm there to do, because I am refusing to be held back from enjoying the outdoors and passing on the experience. It's an ongoing process... I feel like I am rambling, and I can't guarantee that it makes sense. This is me...opened up. :)